SERMON TEXT: Thou shalt not commit adultery
Is it possible to speak about adultery without a sense of judgement? Maybe Jesus enables us to do so, when he says to us: “Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.”
I think it is true that over the centuries, within Christian circles an enormous amount of judgement has been reserved for those who society has perceived as having failed sexually, and yet at the same time, one could almost say, far too little judgement has been reserved for those who have committed a whole array of other sins including greed and injustice.
And so today I wish to proceed with care and caution, remembering the words of Jesus I have just quoted, and also remembering the words of the Apostle Paul in Romans where he reminds us that “...All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,” and that therefore there is little, or perhaps even no room for judgement.
The first thing that perhaps we should note in reading this commandment within the wider Scriptures of the Old Testament, is that adultery was considered primarily as a crime committed against the husband by an unfaithful wife, or by another man who had slept with his wife. But the opposite did not always seem to be the case. This is reflected in the story of the woman caught in adultery in John chapter 8. If she was caught in the very act of adultery as the text suggests, then the man involved in the illicit liaison should have also been brought before Jesus for judgement, but he wasn’t. In the Bible and in many cultures the tendency has been to hold women to account for acts of adultery and acts of sexual misconduct more than men.
In his book “Sex and Scripture”, John Schoenheit writes that “...The Greek, Roman, and Hebrew concept of adultery was substantially the same. “The infidelity of the husband did not constitute adultery.”
The only time a man’s infidelity was sanctioned was if the offence committed was against another man, whether with another man’s wife or a virgin pledged to be married to another man.
And so it needs to be acknowledged that the commandment against adultery in the Old Testament, as well as Hebrew, Greek and Roman culture was heavily weighted against women.
It is true that even in Western culture in more recent times, a larger portion of judgement has tended to be reserved towards women in relation to this commandment than to men. Like the Women caught in adultery in John 8, it is women who have tended to be vilified for this offence far more than men, who have often tended to get off scot-free.
The existence of mother and baby homes here on the island of Ireland testifies to this fact. It was women who were punished, judged and looked down on for what society perceived as sexual offences, even when it was in situations of rape. But there were no equivalent institutions for men. No equivalent means of punishing, judging or supposedly trying to rehabilitate male offenders.
Part of the problem around marriage and adultery, as reflected even in the Old Testament Scriptures, is that traditionally, women in marriage were regarded essentially as the property of the man. As I have said before, such an attitude persisted even here in the UK as late as the early 1900s when there were still recorded instances of men selling their wives as one might sell one’s property.
The idea of marriage being a place that should ideally be mutually beneficial and a relationship between complimentary equals is, on the whole, a fairly recent development.
If the essence of adultery is unfaithfulness, then I believe that the concept of adultery needs to be considered much more widely than just illicit sexual affairs. It must surely be true that there are many other ways of being unfaithful to one’s spouse other than simply engaging in an illicit sexual affair. Unfaithfulness can take place in numerous other ways where a spouse places some other activity or interest or relationship above the priority and integrity and love of the marriage relationship.
I remember having a conversation with one woman a number of years ago who said that her ex-husband had, in their marriage, conducted a love-affair with his money, which he prioritized over his relationship with his wife. His real commitment was not to her but to growing his pension pot and his money market accounts. Her value in his life was quite secondary to these things. She said he was always suspicious that she was having affairs with other men, but all the while he was having an affair with his money, the details of which were never openly shared with his wife.
It is interesting also that many dictionaries contain an entry for what is called a ‘golf-widow’. A golf widow would be defined as a wife who is left alone much of the time because her husband is out playing golf. In some instances this phrase is used tongue in cheek to describe women married to a husband who is a golf-fanatic. But in other instances, the phrase is a fairly accurate description of a marriage relationship that is no longer functional because golf, or in fact any other activity has come to be regarded with higher value.
For others, the act of unfaithfulness might be with friends at the pub. From what my Mom has told me, my grandfather was unfaithful to my grandmother because for much of their marriage, his primary relationship was to alcohol rather than to her.
For others, the act of unfaithfulness happens where one’s work begins to take priority and precedence over one’s marriage relationship.
And for still others, unfaithfulness takes place when a relationship becomes physically or emotionally manipulative and abusive.
It is clear that adultery and unfaithfulness need to be considered with a much wider lens, than simply focusing on matters of a sexual nature.
This does not mean that in a marriage there shouldn’t be space for other interests and time spent apart. Khalil Gibran in his book The Prophet describes in beautiful poetic language the qualities of a good and healthy marriage:
Stand together yet not too near
together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow
not in each other’s shadow.
If adultery is interpreted through the wider lens of unfaithfulness and perhaps also in being an absentee spouse, being physically and emotionally unavailable to one’s spouse because of some other priority, then the antidote to adultery is surely putting the time and energy into nurturing truly wholesome, loving, caring and life-giving relationships and marriages.
It is also to remember the sacred potential that marriage has of embodying and reflecting the Divine Love of God. Throughout the Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments, marriage is used as a symbol of God’s relationship with the people of God. The last scene in the book of Revelation is the image of a great cosmic marriage ceremony where God and God’s people are united together through Christ in a great marriage of love.
The more our marriages and relationships are nurtured into wholesome, caring, and life-giving places of love, the more we will find ourselves participating in the great dance of Divine Love, that as the children’s Sunday School songs says, makes the world go around.
And so we might ask ourselves a few questions:
In our marriages and intimate relationships, is there space for both partners to truly be themselves? Do our marriages and relationships provide space for each partner to grow and develop into the fullness of their potential. Do our intimate relationships honour time spent together and time spent apart? Are our marriages places of fear and dread? Or do our marriages give us the sense of being in a real partnership where we feel safe and where we can help bear each other’s load? Are our marriages and relationships places of heaviness or do they help us to touch upon the joy and the lightness of life?
In closing I would like to quote more fully the words of Khalil Gibran:
Love one another, but make not a bond
of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from
one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat
not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each
other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain
your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near
together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow
not in each other’s shadow.
May God bless all of us as we seek to honour, nurture and grow the sacred potential contained within each of our marriages and other close and intimate relationships.
Is it possible to speak about adultery without a sense of judgement? Maybe Jesus enables us to do so, when he says to us: “Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.”
I think it is true that over the centuries, within Christian circles an enormous amount of judgement has been reserved for those who society has perceived as having failed sexually, and yet at the same time, one could almost say, far too little judgement has been reserved for those who have committed a whole array of other sins including greed and injustice.
And so today I wish to proceed with care and caution, remembering the words of Jesus I have just quoted, and also remembering the words of the Apostle Paul in Romans where he reminds us that “...All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,” and that therefore there is little, or perhaps even no room for judgement.
The first thing that perhaps we should note in reading this commandment within the wider Scriptures of the Old Testament, is that adultery was considered primarily as a crime committed against the husband by an unfaithful wife, or by another man who had slept with his wife. But the opposite did not always seem to be the case. This is reflected in the story of the woman caught in adultery in John chapter 8. If she was caught in the very act of adultery as the text suggests, then the man involved in the illicit liaison should have also been brought before Jesus for judgement, but he wasn’t. In the Bible and in many cultures the tendency has been to hold women to account for acts of adultery and acts of sexual misconduct more than men.
In his book “Sex and Scripture”, John Schoenheit writes that “...The Greek, Roman, and Hebrew concept of adultery was substantially the same. “The infidelity of the husband did not constitute adultery.”
The only time a man’s infidelity was sanctioned was if the offence committed was against another man, whether with another man’s wife or a virgin pledged to be married to another man.
And so it needs to be acknowledged that the commandment against adultery in the Old Testament, as well as Hebrew, Greek and Roman culture was heavily weighted against women.
It is true that even in Western culture in more recent times, a larger portion of judgement has tended to be reserved towards women in relation to this commandment than to men. Like the Women caught in adultery in John 8, it is women who have tended to be vilified for this offence far more than men, who have often tended to get off scot-free.
The existence of mother and baby homes here on the island of Ireland testifies to this fact. It was women who were punished, judged and looked down on for what society perceived as sexual offences, even when it was in situations of rape. But there were no equivalent institutions for men. No equivalent means of punishing, judging or supposedly trying to rehabilitate male offenders.
Part of the problem around marriage and adultery, as reflected even in the Old Testament Scriptures, is that traditionally, women in marriage were regarded essentially as the property of the man. As I have said before, such an attitude persisted even here in the UK as late as the early 1900s when there were still recorded instances of men selling their wives as one might sell one’s property.
The idea of marriage being a place that should ideally be mutually beneficial and a relationship between complimentary equals is, on the whole, a fairly recent development.
If the essence of adultery is unfaithfulness, then I believe that the concept of adultery needs to be considered much more widely than just illicit sexual affairs. It must surely be true that there are many other ways of being unfaithful to one’s spouse other than simply engaging in an illicit sexual affair. Unfaithfulness can take place in numerous other ways where a spouse places some other activity or interest or relationship above the priority and integrity and love of the marriage relationship.
I remember having a conversation with one woman a number of years ago who said that her ex-husband had, in their marriage, conducted a love-affair with his money, which he prioritized over his relationship with his wife. His real commitment was not to her but to growing his pension pot and his money market accounts. Her value in his life was quite secondary to these things. She said he was always suspicious that she was having affairs with other men, but all the while he was having an affair with his money, the details of which were never openly shared with his wife.
It is interesting also that many dictionaries contain an entry for what is called a ‘golf-widow’. A golf widow would be defined as a wife who is left alone much of the time because her husband is out playing golf. In some instances this phrase is used tongue in cheek to describe women married to a husband who is a golf-fanatic. But in other instances, the phrase is a fairly accurate description of a marriage relationship that is no longer functional because golf, or in fact any other activity has come to be regarded with higher value.
For others, the act of unfaithfulness might be with friends at the pub. From what my Mom has told me, my grandfather was unfaithful to my grandmother because for much of their marriage, his primary relationship was to alcohol rather than to her.
For others, the act of unfaithfulness happens where one’s work begins to take priority and precedence over one’s marriage relationship.
And for still others, unfaithfulness takes place when a relationship becomes physically or emotionally manipulative and abusive.
It is clear that adultery and unfaithfulness need to be considered with a much wider lens, than simply focusing on matters of a sexual nature.
This does not mean that in a marriage there shouldn’t be space for other interests and time spent apart. Khalil Gibran in his book The Prophet describes in beautiful poetic language the qualities of a good and healthy marriage:
Stand together yet not too near
together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow
not in each other’s shadow.
If adultery is interpreted through the wider lens of unfaithfulness and perhaps also in being an absentee spouse, being physically and emotionally unavailable to one’s spouse because of some other priority, then the antidote to adultery is surely putting the time and energy into nurturing truly wholesome, loving, caring and life-giving relationships and marriages.
It is also to remember the sacred potential that marriage has of embodying and reflecting the Divine Love of God. Throughout the Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments, marriage is used as a symbol of God’s relationship with the people of God. The last scene in the book of Revelation is the image of a great cosmic marriage ceremony where God and God’s people are united together through Christ in a great marriage of love.
The more our marriages and relationships are nurtured into wholesome, caring, and life-giving places of love, the more we will find ourselves participating in the great dance of Divine Love, that as the children’s Sunday School songs says, makes the world go around.
And so we might ask ourselves a few questions:
In our marriages and intimate relationships, is there space for both partners to truly be themselves? Do our marriages and relationships provide space for each partner to grow and develop into the fullness of their potential. Do our intimate relationships honour time spent together and time spent apart? Are our marriages places of fear and dread? Or do our marriages give us the sense of being in a real partnership where we feel safe and where we can help bear each other’s load? Are our marriages and relationships places of heaviness or do they help us to touch upon the joy and the lightness of life?
In closing I would like to quote more fully the words of Khalil Gibran:
Love one another, but make not a bond
of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from
one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat
not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each
other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain
your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near
together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow
not in each other’s shadow.
May God bless all of us as we seek to honour, nurture and grow the sacred potential contained within each of our marriages and other close and intimate relationships.
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